This is how I felt today. Autism beat me down.
As I posted earlier, Alanna has been having a ton of trouble sleeping. This is having a big toll on the family in general, but particularly it is impacting her. She is very "spacey" - it is difficult to get her attention, she is not responding to her name and her behaviours are worse. I hate when she seems to regress. I am hoping it's temporary because every step forward is won through her hard work, and going backwards is so very painful. Lack of sleep is the only thing I can think of - unless the bits of gluten she got are causing the problem.
Today Tyler learned how to drink from a straw. Spontaneously. At 13 months. Part of me was proud of him, and part of me wanted to cry. He took Alanna's straw cup, grabbed it, and drank lots of it as he walked around looking proud of himself. Teaching Alanna how to do this has taken weeks of effort, and he is now more proficient at it then her in about two seconds. It just makes my heart ache for her so much when something this simple is so difficult for her and so easy for everyone else. Meanwhile, on a hot day (low thirties but almost forty with humidex, ugh), she was not drinking much from her straw cup in the hopes her sippy cup would reappear. Learning is hard and transitioning is hard. And my son did both so fast.
Moments like this make me feel like a failure as a Dad. I can't fix it, I can't always make it better, and I try to stay positive and celebrate her successes but sometimes the difficulty is so acute I just lose it.
Autism, you win today. Alanna, Daddy will try to do better tomorrow.